Ever watch that TV Series, ANGEL? You know, that off-shoot of Buffy The Vampire Slayer? I love that show. Partially because I was a kid back then, and it seemed cool to me, and partly because I could relate to David Boreanaz's character, Angel.
Now Angel, is a Vampire with a soul. The story goes he was cursed with a soul by some gypsies and became good, cleaning up the streets of Los Angeles. Apart from the Brooding nature, Martial arts moves, Vampire mode and cool black trenchcoat, he also had this characteristic; when he experiences a moment of PURE HAPPINESS, he turns back into his psychotic alter ego, Angelus. Angelus was his identity for majority of his unlife as a vampire. They killed by the hundreds, him and his cohorts.
I recently felt like I could relate to him; I found it troubling that whenever I experience happiness in my environment, something happens that breaks that happiness streak. For example; back in college, I experienced the most fun I had in my whole life so far~ I did well on my course, had a lot of friends, etc. I was happy. but I found out soon that my classmates hated me. I inquired to the best that I can as to why. There were a lot of reasons; but the bottomline was: they hated me. It was the first time in my life as a young adult that I wept; the happiness I felt had a price: the good will of my peers. Even my closest friends had negative feelings towards me. And I felt sad because all that time, I thought I finally belonged. I thought I had finally gained acceptance from others; the kind of acceptance I was devoid of ever since childhood.I started asking questions:
“was there something wrong with me? Was it something I said, something I did?“
I got my answers and of course they hurt like hell. I was just trying to be MYSELF, and the people rejected me. The happiness I felt were illusions; and as the curtains came down, depression sets in. i'd felt this way back when I was really young; I was a hyperactive kid, very energetic, and very impulsive. Then came one time that my brother scolded me for it. That made me change my personality; from being a noisy, fun loving kid, to a laid back, silent, shy kid. I became like that up until high school; where I became a doormat. Experienced bullying, low social value and such. And everytime I become really happy, something always happens that turns that smile upside down. It seems that happiness always teases me, never staying too long.
Cut back to the present. There'd been recent events that made me realize what I become when i'm really happy. I dont know, I guess instinctively, and without conscious thought, I want to share what I feel with other people. Little did I know that that impulse would be my undoing. I become more of a PEST. When im all happy and stuff, its like i'm possessed; I become more talkative, more active in conversations, throw the usual corny jokes, etc. and it was only when I saw myself on camera this one time, that I realized how “too much” my happiness can spell for other people. I can see the awkwardness in their faces, the lack of comfort, the desire to move away. And to think that that time, I feel more MYSELF than ever. I felt happy about myself.
“is it wrong to be MYSELF? The state everyone tells me to be? Why isn't it working? I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm not hurting or offending anyone. Why do they still shun me? Why?”
“have I asked too many people with too many conflicting ideas and concepts that i've confused myself as to which I should follow?”
as a stand-up comedian described it in one of his skits, there are various LEVELS to things. So must be with my brand of happiness. There must be some sort of extent or limiter to my happiness meter. I think it so happens that through my years of REPRESSED IMPULSES, and as one of our art directors put it, LACK OF AN OUTLET, I may have become a monster unto myself, unleashing a path of annoyance whenever I overshoot that happiness limit.
I've lost 3 friends from my favored site, plurk. Two of them through annoyance maybe; and one through a failed attempt at romance. Is it coincidental that I became close to them all before they left me? Or was it an unseen darkness that creeps up; a constant threat to everyone I get close to?
But not everyone has the same opinion about me. Most people dont mind, they accept me for who I am; maybe they don't know this side of me, or i'm different when I'm with them. Are THEY my true friends, instead of the ones i'm closer to? Or am I doomed to scare them away with my usual “charm”?
It almost feels like a CURSE to like people now. If I like them, I spend more time chatting with them and eventually, they'll get annoyed and fade away into the night. It really does feel like a curse; getting close to anybody outside my family.
I've been told I react in extremes. I get too noisy and annoying, and when i'm confronted about it, I become too silent and brooding instead. I've been mistaken for a snob because of that; but that was not my intention. I'm having trouble finding that right balance; that right amount of this and that, the prescribed dosage.
It's really hard being me. I don't know and I don't claim to know a lot of stuff, I just like to EXPRESS myself. I hope it doesn't become a crime. Nobody gets hurt; only I do.
Some tell me I should not mind what others think of me. But doing that only worsens my situation; people interpret that as being selfish and all the more reason to leave.
i just wish people would tell me immediately if they have a problem with me; i always find out the hard way when something like this happens. people never talk, for whatever reason.
I don't want to drive people away, especially those who I became close with. I want to be happy with them, and them to be happy with me. But that's in a perfect world. Nobody's perfect, and these are all the dents in my armor.(well, almost all of them). I hope I will not be judged by my impulsive actions, but by the intent I put in them. I don't mean to annoy people, I just want to find acceptance and common ground with my peers.
A reminder to myself; with great happiness, comes great dissappointment.
The Tien-o-Meter gives 2010 a -10 out of 10
I feel for you man, and not because I'm that close to you, but I went through that too. Whenever I try to reminisce good old times, a random sudden flashback of embarrassment suddenly floods me and I quietly wince at the thoughts of my old, naive self.
ReplyDeletee.g. Remembering how I acted when I first got in AGI. I was such a loud mouthed perv because I felt so comfy with the people I'm with.
But these memories, though painful, did lead to some lessons learned. It's up to us to decide what we can and can't live with. Can't stop my mouth, but don't want to be seen as a perverted idiot, so I put my energy into other things (like writing reviews).
What your real friends will do is give you a chance to prove yourself a better person, not deny you your identity. If they're not willing to forgive, then it's not your problem.
Sure it's selfish, but aren't they being selfish too? For asking you to change when that won't make you happy? Sure it's cliche, but in the end, if it's not worth keeping, then screw it. And cliche #2, you can't make everyone happy. So why not make yourself the #1 priority in that department?
Don't worry man. I too once feared happiness because it only meant it'll spiral downwards from there. Then I realized I worried too much that I never got to enjoy that happiness, and now I'm in the dumps again. All our problems will come to pass.
-Magic Negro wannabe, Ricah
It will be insatiable when happiness becomes a mood. Sort of what i feel right now.
ReplyDelete